The Official Pokemon Fanfiction University
by The Warrior of Many Faces
Summary: Inspired by Miss Cam, the Warrior of Many Faces has decided to teach badfic writers in Pokémon how to write well...through lots and lots of pain. Welcome to The Official Pokémon Fanfiction University. Beware, all ye who enter here.
1. The Horror of Really Long Forms

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon. Nintendo does. Camilla Sandman owns the idea of Fanfiction Universities; I don't. I don't even own the various mistakes that will be featured in this fic; I took them from real badfics (although they won't be named; suffice it to say that if you recognize something I use from one of your fics, alteration of your fic may be required). Although I did come up with Laitas, to the best of my knowledge. Considering the sheer size of the Pokémon fanfiction section, though, someone's probably called her Laitas at _some_ point. I don't own Farla, either, and mean her no offense by what one of my characters thinks of her; it's the character's opinion, not mine. Also, I do not own most of the questions in the form: several are from other OFU forms, some are from Falcon Quinn and the Black Mirror, and a few are from Adventure Comics Issue #5, if I'm remembering correctly. In addition, I do not own The Ironic Overpower; so far as I can tell, Meir Brin and the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy do.

I do own my characters. I also own any characters who you sign over to me, although you still have part-ownership due to having created the person to begin with. I also own a few of the questions in the form, although I have no problem whatsoever with anyone using them.

As usual, please note that registration should be via PM. Review registration will result in…oh, what's a sufficient deterrent? Oh, I know! I'll turn all of your chocolate into spinach for the rest of your life. That should do it, I think.

Without further ado…

* * *

><p><em>Official Pokémon Fanfiction University, Galactic Wing<em>

"We appreciate your allowing us to use this building as part of the University, Saturn."

The Galactic Commander shrugged. "Better than tolerating those silly fanfictions where they pair me with Cyrus." He shuddered in horror. "Really, did they not talk to me after Spear Pillar? I never liked him. I merely wanted to _study _what he could do. Is that so hard to grasp?"

Chuckling, the Warrior of Many Faces replied, "Apparently so. Then again, studies have shown that fangirls have 99% less brain than an average human."

"Really?"

"No. But it would explain a lot," Warrior snickered, interrupting his own humming of a few bars of the Village Bridge theme.

"So it would," Saturn agreed. "Moving on. Cyrus and Giratina say they've finished calibrating the plotholes for University use. The minis seem to have stopped trying to kill each other, and Red's finally finished his lecture on Gary Stus, so that's ready to go."

"I am a toffee apple."

"What?" Saturn asked with a look of total bewilderment.

The Warrior waved it off. "Sorry. One of my personas is known as The Illogician. The name speaks for itself, I think."

"…if you say so." Saturn was not used to the Warrior's MPD yet. It didn't help that he had no idea what had caused it; anyone who asked never received any satisfactory answer.

"Anyway, once Mew's finished reorganizing her Legendary 101 notes, you should be able to send out the applications."

"Good." The Warrior grinned fiendishly, his face turning blood-red and looking rather inhuman. "Those badfic writers will never see this coming. AhahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Unfazed by the Warrior's Goblin Cackle, Saturn remarked, "If they hadn't maligned my character so badly, I'd feel sorry for them with _you_ as Course Coordinator."

"You think _your _character's maligned?" the Warrior said. "Unless you're N, you don't get to complain. The poor guy's refusing to come out of the Staff Haven until at least a couple of weeks into the semester. He's that scared of what they'll try to do."

"What kind of name is 'N', anyway?" Saturn wondered. "It's a very odd name."

"This from the guy named 'Saturn'," the Warrior pointed out.

"Point taken."

"Anyway, don't waste your pity on the students," the Warrior advised. "Most of them don't deserve it. Especially this one." He handed a folder to Saturn, who began leafing through it.

"…you're right, they don't deserve any pity or mercy whatsoever."

The Warrior grinned. "I thought you'd see it my way."

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere in the untamed wilderness of Fanfiction<em>

ash wuz goig two alto mare tu C laitas agen. wen he got there, he kissed her and sedd your verry butifull how cn i resist U?

oh ash your so hansome an charmin pleez dump that dump misty girl an mari me!

YES! i wil mary U and mak U hapi forever!

* * *

><p><em>1911 hours, somewhere in XXX XXXXXXX, XXXXX, XXX XXXXXX XXXXXX XX XXXXXXX, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Sector 2814, The Universe, The Multiverse <em>

_(Please note that locations omitted are for the protection of the people named herein. In fact, all non-Pokémon characters and locations have had their names changed for their own protection)_

Elisabeth Baker typed furiously, a grin decorating her face.

"Take THAT, you Pokéshippers! I laugh in your face as I prove that Misty was never meant to be with Ash!" she yelled in a somewhat insane manner.

"Hey, some of us would like some peace and quiet to write some _actual _fanfiction, Liz," her brother called from the other room.

"Shut up, Clark," Liz called back. "I can't _concentrate_ without yelling!"

"I can't concentrate _with _it, so at least turn it down a notch!"

Rolling her eyes, Liz completely ignored him, continuing to criticize Pokéshippers at unhealthy volume levels. And Advanceshippers. And Pearlshippers. And Negaishippers.

She was a bit of a fanfiction legend in the Pokemon section, being known for having over one hundred stories that involved Ash with pretty much anyone except for Misty, May, Dawn, or Iris. It was somewhat peculiar, and even she couldn't say why she disliked those four so much, but she hated them as much as she loved Ash.

The sheer fact that she had so many stories that supported so many shippings had brought her a very large fanbase, and she rarely got negative reviews. The ones she did get were usually from her brother (who she rarely, if ever, paid attention to), shippers of The Four Companions mentioned previously (who she also usually ignored), or Farla, and she _never_ listened to Farla. Everyone she knew said that Farla amused herself by flaming perfectly good fics.

On the other hand, she never really remembered any reviews other than the blatantly negative ones (which she remembered to complain about) or the gushingly positive ones (which she read whenever she needed to forget the blatantly negative reviews), so the case could be made that her judgment was skewed.

All this explained why she was going to be the first student recruited to the Official Pokémon Fanfiction University.

* * *

><p>Clark Baker gritted his teeth as Liz clearly ignored his polite (somewhat) request to stop yelling so loudly. She never listened to him. It was very, <em>very <em>annoying.

And it wasn't as if Mom and Dad were there to make her be relatively civil; they wouldn't be back from their date for at least three hours.

He wasn't going to be able to do much with this chapter (in which his OCs, Clara and Phil, beat Blaine up with surprising ease; never mind that they were twin Grass trainers) tonight, so he saved the Word document and turned to his other hobby: using the review system to apply logic to Liz's stories (generous amount of sarcasm included). He wasn't really expecting her to heed his reviews (she never had in the past), but he always had fun picking apart her stories.

Pulling up her most recent story (posted five seconds ago), he began to scan through it, grimacing at the many misspellings and the downright bad writing thereof.

And then he heard her scream.

Not her usual outraged scream from when she encountered Pokéshipping, or her insane screams from when she was writing, but a genuinely panicked scream.

Without even thinking about it, he was up and running towards Liz's room…

…only to come to a screeching halt when he saw what was going on in there.

Liz, covered in blood (he had no idea why), was pushing her wheeled chair backwards away from the computer. With good reason, as the laptop screen, instead of a Word document or , now displayed a pentagon in a shade of red that was demonic, reminiscent of blood, and utterly painful to behold. Several beings were spilling out of this pentagon, with forms that he vaguely recognized: although his Red and Blue days were behind him, he seemed to recall that they were the various forms of Missingno (weren't they too small, though?).

In addition, Liz was muttering "It shot me. The red _shot _me. It shot _blood_ at me." She was clearly in shock, because she wasn't making much sense.

Overall, the scene was very surreal, which explained why he was simply staring instead of saying anything.

Especially since a lot of the Missingnos were saying "Mommy! Mommy!"

To _Liz_.

He _really_ hoped that was a mistake of some sort.

"Quiet! Greet Mommy later!" one (an Aerodactyl skeleton) yelled, making the others quiet down to an excited murmur.

The Aerodactyl skeleton then pushed a large pile of stapled-together papers towards Liz. "Read."

Unfortunately, she was still rather in shock over the whole chain of events (not that he could blame her; so was he), and thus didn't seem to register what the Missingno had said.

"Read," he insisted.

Apparently it got through this time, as she picked up the papers and began to read. As she did, she muttered "_Mommy_? _What_ are they _talking_ about?"

Well, _that_ was a relief.

"And you," the Aerodactyl skeleton said, tossing a similarly large stack of papers toward Clark, who barely managed to catch it.

He began reading the first page, eyes steadily widening as he got further.

"To Mr. Clark Baker,

We have become aware that you are cluttering the realms of Pokémon fanfiction with substandard stories (also known as badfic). Charges against you include:

1. Creation of seven Gary Stus

2. Creation of three Mary Sues

3. Creation of five Plotholes

4. Misuse of twelve Pokémon moves

As a result of these findings, you are hereby invited to the Official Pokémon Fanfiction University, where we will proceed to correct your writing problems in the most painful way we can imagine.

Should you refuse our invitation, please note that the website will not allow you to publish or alter any of your fics in the Pokémon section. Incidentally, a new username will not fool our program, so don't bother.

Please fill out the following forms in preparation of attendance at OPFU.

Thank you, and remember the school motto: 'It is a pain to learn how to learn through pain'.

Signed,

**The Warrior of Many Faces, Course Coordinator of OPFU, Sergeant Sarcasm, Village Bridge Fanatic, JR-X, The Thirteenth, The Illogician, The Goblin, Whistling Wonder, The Hunter, Lord of the Lanterns, and other sundry titles.**"

Clark gulped. This didn't sound good. At all.

At least, assuming this wasn't some surreal dream. Which he supposed it might be.

"WHAT?" Liz yelled. "Since WHEN is Professor Oak too old for Ash? And who _cares _about punctuation?"

"That why you need University," one of the Missingnos pointed out.

Clark couldn't help but snicker.

"Laugh it up, Clark. Obviously your fics are as bad as mine if you're going to this place too," she pointed out acidly.

"I doubt that," he replied mildly, turning the page over. "There are probably several degrees of 'badfic-ness'. Mine can't possibly be as bad as yours."

"Stop trying to confuse me with logic, Clark! You're as bad as Farla! She's logical, and you're logical! She's insulting, and you're insulting! She's rude, and you're rude! She's-."

Since he had heard this lecture before, he ignored her and focused on the form, grabbing a pen from his pocket to fill it out.

The questions were weird, but not any weirder than the Missingnos. Clark just figured he'd humor the critters and fill in whatever came to mind.

Occasionally he'd hear Liz yell out a complaint or question.

"Why do they need _us_ to tell them what species we are?"

Clark shrugged. "Dunno. Just fill out whatever, I guess."

"What the heck does 'elaborate' mean?"

"It means to explain the circumstances behind something, basically," Clark replied absentmindedly.

"This form is _really freaking long_!"

One of the Missingos answered her this time. "That is point. Point of University is teach through pain. Long forms painful."

Clark had to admit, that made sense, in a sadistic sort of way.

"These questions are _pointless_!"

"There _is_ point," another Missingno argued. "Point is torture."

"They don't even make _sense_!"

The Missingno sighed. "Already said why. Finish forms."

"Fine, whatever, Mister Bossy," Liz said sulkily.

It took an unreasonably long time to finish the forms, as several copies apparently had to be made (one for each paperwork department, apparently). Clark had pretty much given up on any hope of this being a dream; he would never have dreamed up something this boring.

Finally, though, he was at the end, reading the warning statement above the place where he signed his name.

"I, the undersigned, do understand that by affixing my signature onto the blank below, I hereby cede all of my rights and dignity to the staff of The Official Pokémon Fanfiction University; I understand that the University is then free to do as it wishes with them, without legal action on my part, until the University sees fit to relinquish this claim to my rights and dignity. I understand that by signing, I state that The Official Pokémon Fanfiction University and its staff will not be held legally responsible for injuries or death incurred during the semester. I understand that in the event of my death, I will be resurrected by Arceus, although this is no guarantee that death or resurrection will not be painful. I understand that, should I fail to sign, I hereby relinquish any claims to writing fanfiction in the Pokémon section. I acknowledge that, if I refuse to obey any of the above, I am open to legal, physical, and/or mental attacks on my person from various Pokémon canon characters. I also understand that this is not actually a proper legal document, but that it is binding regardless of legality or my signing the document.

x_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"

Clark's eyes glazed over at some point during the statement; it was boring, so he skipped over it and signed his name. Besides, those statements weren't especially important, right?

And above, the Ironic Overpower, a vindictive being known for causing all painfully ironic situations in fiction, began to laugh.

"Now what?" Clark wondered, passing the form to one of the Missingnos, noting that somehow, Liz had finished before he had.

A Missingno explained, "Now we go to University."

Liz raised her hand. "Um, I think that XXXX XXX High School might object to that, considering that we're enrolled there and it's the middle of the school year."

For once, Clark had to concede that she had a point.

And just then, he heard a car door slam outside. His parents were home? Already?

Or had it seriously taken him three hours to fill out that form?

Checking his watch, he found that it was the latter.

"No time explain. Go now," a Missingno exclaimed.

And then, with a flash of blue/brown that was nearly as painful as the laptop's red, Clark lost consciousness.

He would later look back on this occasion as the _least_ painful part of the coming year.

Yes, it _can _get worse than painful colors and a three-hour-long form with nonsensical questions.

Remember, this _is _an OFU.

* * *

><p>Quick author's notes:<p>

If you care to register a character, the form will follow; there is no need to add the Detailed Information when registering, although don't let me stop you if you really want to. If you don't, you might want to look anyway, since I've included both Clark's and Liz's forms to show how it works. If you don't care about any of the above, just go to the next chapter. Assuming I've put it up when you see this. If not, click that button at the bottom and let me know what you think. Actually, do that anyway, please.

**BASIC INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK**

_Real Name: _

Clark Baker

_Username:_

Shadow Lucario

_What do we call you? _

Clark, preferably.

_How old are you?_

16

_Species: _

Human

_If human, please specify Pokémon team: _

Lucario, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Squirtle, Ivysaur, Charizard

_If Pokémon, please specify species: _

N/A

_Describe your appearance:_

Black hair, brown eyes, light skin. About 5'10" and 150 lbs. I usually wear a t-shirt and jeans.

_What Pokémon media have you seen/played? How frequently?_

Saw a few episodes of the anime once. Have played Pokémon Red, Blue, Gold, Silver, Emerald, Diamond, Platinum, Heartgold, and Black fairly often.

_Do you have any allergies that we should be aware of?_

None.

**BASIC INFORMATION: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE**

ARE YOU…

_Male? Female? Genderless?_

Male

_Good? Evil? Neutral? _

Good

**YOUR FANFICTION WORK: FILL IN THE BLANK**

_Why do you write Pokémon fanfiction? _

I think it's a cool universe with a lot of storyline potential.

_In what genres do you typically write?_

Adventure/Humor

_If you love/lust/desire/have a crush on any of the canon characters, which ones?_

Flannery's kinda hot (pun unintended). So is Misty.

_If you support any particular shippings, which ones?_

None

_Who is your favorite character(s) and why?_

I like Lucario. Aura abilities are very interesting. I've mentioned Flannery and Misty.

_What is your least favorite character(s) and why?_

I hate Feebas for being so hard to find. I dislike Ash for being stupid.

_Have you ever attempted to write poetry? Elaborate if so._

Fourth-grade English assignment. This is better left undescribed, believe me.

**YOUR FANFICTION WORK: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE**

ARE YOU…

_Very familiar with canon? Somewhat familiar with canon? Only minimally aware of canon? Completely unaware of canon? _

Very familiar with canon

DO YOU…

_Occasionally put slash into your stories? Frequently put slash into your stories? Always put slash into your stories? Never put slash into your stories?_

Never put slash into your stories

**YOUR FANFICTION WORK: YES/NO QUESTIONS**

_Are you aware that you have written one or more Mary Sues/Gary Stus?_

_Yes/No/I am now that you've told me/A what?_

I am now that you've told me

**DETAILED INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK (BE SURE TO FILL OUT _EVERYTHING _ON THIS PART OF THE FORM)**

_What do you fight for?_

I don't fight for anything, really…

_What do you fear?_

Heights and drunk drivers.

_What do you hope for?_

The return of Prohibition.

_Who do you love?_

In descending order: my family, fanfiction, and Thin Mints.

_What do you hate?_

Geometry.

_What do you want?_

A lifetime supply of Thin Mints would be nice…

_Who do you feel sympathy for?_

Not an overly sympathetic person.

_What is the capital of Vermont?_

I dunno

_What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?_

The Thin Mint limited edition ice cream

_If you were a fish, what kind of fish do you think you'd be?_

Stingray

_Assume you are a bus driver. If your route begins at 6:00 AM and the following are true: At 6:00 AM, five passengers get on board. At 6:30, three passengers leave and seven get on. At 7:00, one passenger leaves and another gets on. At 7:30, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:00, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:30, one person gets on and another gets off._

_Assuming all of the above is true, at 7:30 AM, what is the average speed of a sparrow in flight?_

Huh?

_If y=mx+b, y=why, m=me, x=Xylophone, and b=Bob, what is wrong with the following equation: why=me x Xylophone Bob?_

Huh?

**DETAILED INFORMATION: TWO-OPTION QUESTIONS**

_Have you ever been to Egypt?_

No

_Can you see your own reflection in a mirror?_

Yes

_Fire—good or bad?_

Good

_Would you like to live forever?_

No

_Do you like Hannah Montana?_

NO

_Do you drink diet sodas?_

No

_Is Pluto a planet or an asteroid, in your opinion?_

Asteroid

_Do you prefer to sleep during the day or at night?_

Night

_Do you prefer military or standard time?_

Standard

_If Spider-Man and Batman were to fight, who do you think would win?_

Batman

_Does cheese taste yellow to you?_

No

_Do you consider clowns to be funny or scary?_

Funny

**BASIC CANON TEST: FILL IN THE BLANK**

_Which city does Brock come from?_

Pewter City

_How many badges are there to get in Kanto?_

Eight

_Who is the Professor that lives in New Bark Town?_

Elm, I think.

_Name all of the times that Team Rocket appears in Heartgold/Soulsilver._

Slowpoke Well, Goldenrod City Radio Tower, Mahogany Town, and around Nugget Bridge.

_Where were the Red and Blue Orbs found in Hoenn?_

Mt. Pyre, I think…

_The third-generation games introduced two champions. Name them both._

Wallace and…Juan? Maybe?

_Where do you first encounter Cynthia in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum?_

Eterna City.

_Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Platinum from Diamond/Pearl._

She has a Togekiss instead of a Gastrodon.

_Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Black/White from Platinum._

Instead of Togekiss and Roserade, she has Eelektross and Braviary.

_What is wrong with Ghetsis's Hydreigon?_

There's something wrong with it?

**BASIC INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK**

_Real Name: _

Elisabeth Baker

_Username:_

AntiMistyMayDawnIris

_What do we call you? _

Liz or anti. Whatever.

_How old are you?_

14

_Species: _

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

_If human, please specify Pokémon team: _

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

_If Pokémon, please specify species: _

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

_Describe your appearance:_

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

_What Pokémon media have you seen/played? How frequently?_

Ive seen alot of the tv show. I watch it ALL THE TIME!

_Do you have any allergies that we should be aware of?_

Im lactose intolarant

**BASIC INFORMATION: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE**

ARE YOU…

_Male? Female? Genderless?_

Female (the word "Duh" is scribbled near the question)

_Good? Evil? Neutral? _

Good ofcourse!

**YOUR FANFICTION WORK: FILL IN THE BLANK**

_Why do you write Pokémon fanfiction? _

Ash is SO HOTT!

_In what genres do you typically write?_

ROMANCE!

_If you love/lust/desire/have a crush on any of the canon characters, which ones?_

ASH!

_If you support any particular shippings, which ones?_

anything except Pokéshipping, Advanceshipping, Pearlshipping, or Negaishipping. ASH DESERVES BETTAR!

_Who is your favorite character(s) and why?_

ASH! Hes so HOTT! and CUTE!

_What is your least favorite character(s) and why?_

Misty, May, Dawn, Iris, because THEY STEEL ASH AWAY!

_Have you ever attempted to write poetry? Elaborate if so._

I writ lots of poetry for my fics. It maks things so romantic…

**YOUR FANFICTION WORK: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE**

ARE YOU…

_Very familiar with canon? Somewhat familiar with canon? Only minimally aware of canon? Completely unaware of canon? _

Somewhat familiar with canon (It should be noted that nearby she wrote "Why do they care about canons? Their arent any in Pokemon…)

DO YOU…

_Occasionally put slash into your stories? Frequently put slash into your stories? Always put slash into your stories? Never put slash into your stories?_

Frequently put slash into your stories

**YOUR FANFICTION WORK: YES/NO QUESTIONS**

_Are you aware that you have written one or more Mary Sues/Gary Stus?_

_Yes/No/I am now that you've told me/A what?_

A what?

**DETAILED INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK (BE SURE TO FILL OUT _EVERYTHING _ON THIS PART OF THE FORM)**

_What do you fight for?_

I fight for Ash!

_What do you fear?_

Flames

_What do you hope for?_

Ash to be real. Can't be any weirder than a red that shoots blood at you, right?

_Who do you love?_

ASH!

_What do you hate?_

Misty, May, Iris, Dawn. They r EVILL!

_What do you want?_

May, Misty, Dawn, and Iris tosed of a clif whil Ash kises me…

_Who do you feel sympathy for?_

Juliet from Romoe and Juliet.. y did she haff too dye?

_What is the capital of Vermont?_

What?

_What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?_

Choclate! I want som rite now, actully...

_If you were a fish, what kind of fish do you think you'd be?_

A dolfin!

_Assume you are a bus driver. If your route begins at 6:00 AM and the following are true: At 6:00 AM, five passengers get on board. At 6:30, three passengers leave and seven get on. At 7:00, one passenger leaves and another gets on. At 7:30, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:00, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:30, one person gets on and another gets off._

_Assuming all of the above is true, at 7:30 AM, what is the average speed of a sparrow in flight?_

Um, Im faling algebra rite now…

_If y=mx+b, y=why, m=me, x=Xylophone, and b=Bob, what is wrong with the following equation: why=me x Xylophone Bob?_

Yeah. Stil faling algebra.

**DETAILED INFORMATION: TWO-OPTION QUESTIONS**

_Have you ever been to Egypt?_

No

_Can you see your own reflection in a mirror?_

Yes

_Fire—good or bad?_

Bad

_Would you like to live forever?_

Yes

_Do you like Hannah Montana?_

Yes

_Do you drink diet sodas?_

No

_Is Pluto a planet or an asteroid, in your opinion?_

(This was left blank; she wrote nearby "Isnt he a dog?")

_Do you prefer to sleep during the day or at night?_

Night (nearby she has once again written "Duh")

_Do you prefer military or standard time?_

Standard

_If Spider-Man and Batman were to fight, who do you think would win?_

Spider-Man (she scrawled nearby "Tobey Maguire is so HOTT!)

_Does cheese taste yellow to you?_

No (she drew a picture of cheese near the question, also writing "Does yellow even hav a taste?")

_Do you consider clowns to be funny or scary?_

Scary

**BASIC CANON TEST: FILL IN THE BLANK**

_Which city does Brock come from?_

He doesn't he travells wiff Ash

_How many badges are there to get in Kanto?_

Twelve, counting the Orange Islands

_Who is the Professor that lives in New Bark Town?_

I think his nam is L? Somthing lik that?

_Name all of the times that Team Rocket appears in Heartgold/Soulsilver._

I dont play the games

_Where were the Red and Blue Orbs found in Hoenn?_

Dunno

_The third-generation games introduced two champions. Name them both._

Stephen and walace

_Where do you first encounter Cynthia in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum?_

Dunno, I dont play the games

_Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Platinum from Diamond/Pearl._

Dunno

_Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Black/White from Platinum._

Cynthia is in black and white?

_What is wrong with Ghetsis's Hydreigon?_

whos Ghetsis? whats hydreigon?


	2. Ashes, ashes

Disclaimer: See previous chapter for the bulk of it, but in addition, I must mention that I do not own Multicolored Cloak Dude; he is my brother's, not mine, and is being used with his permission.

Also, thanks should go to my new beta, Cassie5squared, for helping to make this chapter as good (and funny) as it can be. Let's give her a round of applause, shall we? *initiates digital round of applause*

Now that we've established Cassie5squared's awesomeness and my insanity, let's move on to the actual chapter, shall we?

* * *

><p><em>Official Pokémon Fanfiction University, Magma Wing<em>

Tabitha stared at the unconscious fanwriters with disdain. "Is there a _reason_ you dumped this trash on Team Magma's doorstep specifically?"

The Warrior shrugged. "You have the biggest hideout. It's in a volcano, after all. Simple matter of expediency."

Tabitha grimaced, his appearance shifting briefly to female as he did. Many fanwriters, understandably confused by his name, tended to write him as being female. Needless to say, he was Not Amused.

"Why are they all unconscious?" queried Courtney as a mini came through a painfully red (and bloody) portal and dropped off another student who was, indeed, unconscious. "Not that I'm complaining. I don't want to hear the inevitable stupid questions. Get enough of that from the grunts."

"But it's a grand OFU tradition!" the Warrior said dramatically, ignoring everything after Courtney's first question. "The original set the tone for all the future universities, and I can do no less than perpetuate it! I -"

"Could try shutting up now," Tabitha cut in. "You'll wake the brats."

"Might I remind you what happened with the last 'brats' you encountered?" Brendan said sharply as he walked into the room.

Gritting his… oh wait, he was a her just then… gritting _her _teeth, Tabitha nonetheless said nothing, not having a particularly good comeback.

"That'll be enough," the Warrior cut in. "Brendan, shouldn't you be working on the Geography class stuff?"

Brendan scoffed. "It's been done for about four weeks now, and you need me here to keep an eye on the Magmas."

The Warrior beamed as if Brendan had paid him a rare compliment. "It's so sweet of you to _worry_, Brendan…" Here his voice simply became sarcastic. "…but I think I can take care of myself, don't you?"

Brendan struggled to find something to counter the Warrior's point. Unsuccessful, he sighed and said, "Yes, you _can_ take care of yourself, but…"

"Good, good, glad we agree! Now, how about Tabitha goes off to recheck the Staff Section traps, Courtney goes off to rewrite her Obscure Character lecture notes, since it basically consists of one long rant about why no one remembers to put her in their fics, and Brendan goes off to double-check the security on the Ruby, while I watch the ickle badficcers take their little nap. 'Kay? 'Kay. Go on."

Oddly enough, the Warrior had said all of that in one breath with no apparent effort.

All three canons were grumbling as they went off; Brendan about the untrustworthiness of Magmas and how the Warrior didn't quite seem to get that, Tabitha about stupid writers who couldn't tell she was male, and Courtney about her lecture and what could possibly be wrong with it.

Still, they went, the Warrior noted, and he was glad of it. He liked arguments, but he didn't want them happening on the job.

He glanced at his Pokétch, which was counting the amount of students. About twenty more, and then they could begin.

Let the Suethors beware…

* * *

><p>As she stirred, she groaned, wondering why her voice sounded so squeaky.<p>

Then she opened her eyes, to see…

Rock?

_Lava_?

She sat up very quickly and for some reason tumbled head over feet over tail, scattering some gray stuff on the cavern floor.

Hold on…

_Tail_?

A tail that was zigzaggy…

…like a lightning bolt…

"I'm a Pikachu! YAY!"

Liz's overjoyed shouts got several of the already-awake students wincing and several of the not-yet-conscious students to stir, mumbling sentences along the lines of "'M gonna kill that alarm clock…"

Liz wasn't worried in the least, though, because she was a freaking Pikachu how cool was that how did that happen…?

Maybe it had to do with those weird things that called her "Mommy".

Hopefully not, though.

"Lemme guess," another female voice said. "You signed up as 'ashes pikachu' too."

Liz turned around to see another Pikachu that, oddly enough, looked like she was made out of…um…grey powdered sugar? Something like that.

"Yeah…" she replied cautiously. Was this girl competition?

"…you're grey, you know that?" Liz eventually ventured.

The other Pikachu shrugged. "So're you."

Eyes wide, Liz looked down…

…she looked exactly the same as the other Pikachu.

"Oh…shoot."

The other Pikachu grimaced. "I know. I _meant_ that I wanted to be the Pikachu on Ash's shoulder, _not _a Pikachu made out of ashes."

"Oh, is _that _what that stuff is?"

The other Pikachu stared at her. "You're not the saltiest fry in McDonald's, are you?"

Liz stared right back, saying something surprisingly profound (for her, at least).

"…huh?"

Sighing, the other Pikachu said "Point proven, I think."

"Liz? Where are you?" It was Clark's voice, sounding surprisingly worried. Couldn't he see that she was right here?

She looked down at herself again.

Never mind.

"Right here, Clark."

He stared at her. What was with all the staring around here?

"You're a Pikachu made out of ashes."

Liz huffed. "Um, yeah. Isn't that obvious?"

The other Pikachu snickered, not cowed by Liz's glare. What was so funny?

Clark's eyebrow was raised high. "And why, precisely, are you a Pikachu made out of ashes?"

"Erm…ahm…" Liz faltered, not really having put any thought into the "why" of it.

"That would be because of me."

Heads turned to see a man dressed in a camo military uniform addressing them. He defied all military stereotypes by not looking muscular and hot-tempered; on the contrary, his brown hair, matching eyes, mediocre build, and pleasant face would make him fairly unremarkable were it not for the combat knives prominently sheathed on his arms and the badge on his chest that showed, oddly enough, four commas in a sort of bent cross.

"Miss Baker and Miss Gordon are suffering from my literalist tendencies," he said, smiling amicably but speaking with slight sarcasm augmented by a faux-British accent. "If they had bothered with correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar, I might have spared them. But, sadly for them, they did not, and I happen to be a proud Grammar Nazi." He tapped his badge a couple of times.

Everyone stared at him for a few seconds (Liz took a moment to note that again, everyone was staring, and took another moment to be slightly irritated for no good reason).

Clark broke the silence first. "How, exactly, did you do that?"

"That'll be explained in the opening lecture, Mr. Baker," the man said cheerfully. "Which, since everyone appears to be awake, I should be getting to. Toodle-oo!"

And with that, he marched off to the podium that Liz wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been heading for it.

Now that she noticed the podium, she noticed a bunch of humans and Pokémon behind it. Plus those weird things that were in her bedroom. The Pokémon were all fire or rock type, and the humans were mostly dressed in what she vaguely recalled were Team Magma uniforms. One of the exceptions stood out a lot, however, being clad in a cloak that had irregular patches of several different colors; the outfit clashed horribly, and drew her attention because of it.

No Ash, though, to her disappointment.

"Would it have killed him to tell me early?" said Clark, slumping in an annoyed manner.

Liz rolled her eyes. "Who _cares _how he did it? _I _wanna know how to _stay _this way when we get back home…home. Oh freaking shoot, our parents are gonna freak."

Clark made an interesting strangled noise in his throat, but before he could do more than that, the military man cleared his throat (Liz assumed there was a microphone involved) and said "Hello? Is this on? Let's see…tribbles in a spot of trouble."

A few scattered chuckles were heard from the various Pokémon and humans lying on the floor around Liz. How had she missed them before?

She wasn't sure what was so funny, though.

"Must be on, then," the man decided. "Otherwise no one would have laughed. First item of business: don't panic. You will be returned to the precise moment you left your house, thanks to Dialga. Your parents won't even know you were gone."

Several sighs of relief were heard, including one from Liz. She had been worried about being grounded from the computer for _months_! For something that wasn't even her fault!

However, Liz managed to miss the confusion from more sensible people, wondering why this guy thought that Dialga was real.

"Second item of business: you have been brought to the Official Pokémon Fanfiction University, or OPFU." The man grinned dangerously. "In other words, _now _you should panic."

"Dun dunn dunnnn!" added the man in the multicolored cloak.

* * *

><p>In spite of the man's words, Clark noted that most students were forgoing panic in favor of confusion. Several murmured questions could be heard, but since everyone was talking over each other, Clark only caught a few of the questions and demands that were being shouted at the guy in the military outfit.<p>

"Take me home right now, or so help me…!"

"What is this place?"

"What do you mean, Dialga? He's not real!"

"Who're _you_? Are you Lieutenant Surge or what?"

Clark rolled his eyes. Surge was _blond_, everyone knew that! Well, everyone who knew anything about Surge did, at any rate.

"Be _quiet_, I'm not _done_!" the military man yelled into the microphone, causing several people (Clark included) to cover their ears, wincing in pain.

"Thank you," he said wryly. "Now, this university was formed because, to be frank, none of you know how to write well."

Ignoring the shouted protests from the crowd, he continued his explanation, raising his voice to ensure that he was heard.

"Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but your badfics have become so prevalent that you're affecting the canon universe of Pokémon. Which means, to answer your questions about Dialga's existence, that every Pokémon character exists in some universe."

More shouting from the crowd, mostly wondering where Ash was and/or declaring their love for him (Clark heard his sister's voice very clearly in this group). Clark also heard several people inquiring after James, N, and Misty with similar ardor, however.

"_Quiet_!" yelled the military man (Clark hoped that he'd introduce himself soon; he was tired of thinking of him as "military man"), once again causing wincing among anyone who hadn't sensibly covered their ears (which did not include Clark, to his dismay).

After the crowd had quieted to low murmurs, the man continued once again. "Deciding that they had put up with enough universal disruptions from you, the canon characters decided to create this university to educate you ignorant writers so that hopefully the amount of badfics will decrease."

Clark expected the uproar from this announcement, and covered his ears (he had learned from the last time). He thought he knew what they were saying, though ("Is Ash gonna teach us? That'd be SO KEWL!"). Something along those lines.

Even with his ears covered, though, he knew perfectly well when the military man got frustrated enough to yell again.

Only this time, it was accompanied by two flying daggers near the heads of the two worst offenders. One was a girl in a blue dress and a bunny hood; to Clark's dismay and terror, Liz was the other (he fervently hoped that she'd take the hint and shut up).

He uncovered his ears in the middle of a sarcastic reprimand from Military Dude.

"…really rather not kill any of you until the address is over. So, for my sake and yours, you may wish to take that thing you call your mouth and shut it for a while."

Dead silence ensued, save for the inevitable cough and a random Kricketot appearing from nowhere to chirp a few times.

"What happened to the plothole moderators?" someone (Clark recognized him as Brendan) whispered to Military Dude (of course, in a room that quiet, the whisper might as well have been shouted; Clark heard every word).

"The Laws of Narrative Comedy happened," Military Dude explained, his voice sounding louder than normal because of the fearful silence from the crowd. "Or is that the Narrative Laws of Comedy? I never _could_ figure out which it was."

He cleared his throat. "Now that this interruption has been quelled, there are more things to note about this. One is that any glompings, amorous ambushes, kisses, or any such thing attempted on canon characters will be painfully repelled by either the characters themselves or the mini-Missingnos, which you should all be familiar with; they handled the retrieval of all of you, so if you aren't blind, you'd better know what they are."

He paused thoughtfully. "Then again, if you were blind, glomping would be a lot harder anyway, so you probably wouldn't have to worry about it. Anyway, the mini-Missingnos were created when someone misspelled a canon character's name, and some of you here might have done this, so if they're calling you 'Mommy' or 'Daddy', just accept that you need spell-check."

Clark could clearly hear Liz's sigh of relief. "Thank goodness for that! No wonder I didn't remember being pregnant!" she exclaimed.

The crowd (including Clark) snickered at the ridiculousness of that notion. Military Dude seemed mildly amused as well (at least, he wasn't throwing any more knives).

"Yes, Miss Baker, that would be the case. One more thing before I move to the third item of business. Please try not to burst into tears or anything at this announcement, but…" He trailed off here, reaching into his sleeves and grabbing two more knives. Behind him, everyone else on the staff began fingering Pokéballs or, in Multicolored Cloak Guy's case, an oddly-designed bow made of glass (Clark had no idea why anyone would even make something as useless as a glass bow, let alone use one).

Clark began sidling away from the podium, having a foreboding sense of danger. He noticed that a couple of others were following his lead: a tall blond bespectacled girl and a boy with blond hair were backing away, reaching for the Pokéballs at their waists as they did (Clark did the same, knowing that it was probably a good idea).

Finally, Military Dude started to speak once more.

"…Ash will not be among the staff here."

The crowd sat in stunned silence for a few seconds.

Then about two-thirds of the crowd charged the podium, screaming in outrage.


End file.
